Inner demons :\

This is one of those blogs where i just need to vent. For those people who really dont want to know whats going on in my head, just close my blog now k?

So to start out with im randomly mad/sad all the time. I always feel like crying, and i always feel like im alone. My social life is pretty much dead, and i dont have alot of entertainment here at home. This girl i really like is just impossible to stay with because EVERYTHING is against us. And wow. Just wow >_<
truthfully everyone i talk to is mad at me most of the time for no reason now. They all tell me how crappy i am to them and how im a terrible friend. I dont know what it is i do or dont do to make them so mad. When i finally think i have someone who isnt mad at me to hang out with... I ask if they can come over ... And every time my mom says no. her quote from last night

Me: Mom i feel really alone and bored all the time :\...
Mom: I dont really care jared. I dont feel like dealing with your loser friends right now.

So im pretty tired of that.
im always sad because what plans i do have usually end up crashing and burning.

Dude i cant even express how... something i am right now. Its like a mixture of mad/sad/bored/tired...

If you didnt know probably 2 years ago i tried to kill myself. I was loaded up on anti depressants and crap like that for months. And now im starting to feel all those feelings i did back then. I miss having friends, plans... Just entertainment in general.

In all truth i think its because im very very tired. Tired of being alone, being bored, being judged... and somedays even unappreciated. I used to be a very very screwy kid. And ive been trying so hard to change for the people i care about. Nobody gets that im trying. they all think i dont try. or that im not changing. And it annoys the hell out of me...
Im coming back from having no friends, no faith, NOTHING. I was a jerk, I didnt care about much of anything. And everyday i feel like i have to prove myself over and over. Just so that people understand how much im attempting to change for them.But people still tell me they dont see me trying. Im done listening to those people. If you dont think im trying screw off. I dont need to hear your crap on top of the other stuff im trying to do for you. Im obviously wasting my time trying to prove that im different.

So all in all i need an outlet. Somebody that thinks im genuienly trying. I need something. Theres this huge empty feeling i have. And im not sure what it is. Ill probably get multiple messages saying i need to devote everything to god, otherwise im not going to get a full feeling from everything. And i get that. Im trying to get myself back to god. so i dont need those messages.

I probably just confused the crap out of everyone. Sorry, but i just needed somewhere to let stuff out.

Is anyone bored?

Dude if you actually read my posts ill write another one like right away. If i get 3 people to comment >:D

Church cookout

so yesterday there was a cookout at the church as you very well know. it was a fun day :}. It started out with me getting new jeans muhahahahahah ive been waiting for months to get new jeans:D but anyway... Chris and matt came and got me and we started our day out. basically it was like the water fight but less wet for me and alot of other people too.

Early on in the day Chris talked me into going on a canoe ride. And i HATE canoes. so most of the time i was just thinkin... Find a happy place find a happy place >_<. so like the entire canoe ride i was giving spaced out answers. They had some random talk about personality types and were trying to get me to talk. So i was giving spaced out answers like. Mhm. yeah. Uhhh yep.... :} it was funny. Then when we tried to get out we couldnt get the canoe up cuz no one was helping. And yeah that didnt help my dislike of canoes either. But i got through the rest of the day without anymore canoeing :}

Later on we went on a hay ride. And it was PERFECT for reasons id rather not state =)
But we were being stupid and jumping on and off the thing. it was great :D and one time we decided we were going to run ahead and sit down. So he started charging towards us >:D i stayed sitting down and he stopped muhahahah it was funny.

Im exhausted tonight so i dont feel like typing a whole lot more than that >_<

Rockers For Knockers

Okay so last ngiht alex Burke and i went to a conert called rockers for knockers. I swear it was the funniest night ive had in a while. LOL it was GREAT. local bands played a bunch of their songs. Well, there was this huge group of drunken people probably all in their 30s. and we were running around outside making videos and doing stupid stuff. a bunch if them decided to leave. As all of you know i have BEAUTIFUL hair :P One lady decided that admiring it from afar wasnt quite enough. She decided to ask if i was a pot dealr because white boys dont have long hair, and proceeded to put it into a ponytail and yell it looked prettier that way.

but dont let just one lady end it for ya. Later on a drunken woman probably in her 20's needed a smoke. she came out side and saw alex and i sitting around. She took a cigarette and the dialogue of the conversation was sort of like this

Lady : oh my *puff* i shouldnt*puff* smoke around*puff* kids.
Alex and I: ROFLWAFFLE
lady : how old *puff* are you *puff* kids?
alex : Im 15
jared : 14... why?
lady : OHH MY *PUFF* GOSH i have a 14 *puff* year old daughter. and you look SOOO much older than she does
*puts out cigarette*(to husband) give me another.

after that we decided to walk off. Well later we thought itd be funny as heck to ask her if her daughter was hot. so we walked outside and this conversation went like so

jared : yo.. is your daugther hot? i mean im single and hey im looking :D
alex : shutup idiot ur not single
jared : SHH

the lady obviously drunk answered like so

Lady: Sex driven teenagers!

Which made my day LOL.

The rest of the night was basically the same... Drunken mothers.

Eventually we got bored of telling people we were 14/15. so we found new way to entertain ourselves. We found a beaten up smoking thingy where people could put there cigarettes. We took it out of the trash can and we kicked it over and over demanding it give us the Chocolate coated sugar puffs! We threw it and what not. eventually one mom wanted to know why we were beating up a small black child. haha some of the people were SO funny.

anyway yeah i wanted to tell you all how much of a social life i had last night. It was great :}

HELP :(

okay so recently my social life has pretty much died. I used to be out all the time, no not at parties or getting in trouble. Just out doing SOMETHING. Recently there isnt a thing that i do other than church and gymnastics. I mean comon people im 14 and i SERIOUSLY need SOMETHING to do >_<

If any of you have any suggestions, please feel free to tell me O_O
Ohhh and if ANYONE has a way where i can get out shooting some guns thatd be fantabulous I mean for reall i really wanna shoot some.

I really dont care what it is you want to do ill do it. as long as it doesnt involve illegal stuff... :D
calllllllll meeeeee iffff youuu haveeee plannssss dudeeeeee O_O
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My complete inability to sleep O_O

Sooo. Since your DIEING to know why im posting right now i guess ill just give you a low down on whats up :D. I originally decided i would be asleep by 230 tonight. That didnt work out. I got into some movie. Then i turned my tv off. Couldnt sleep. turned on my air conditioning. Was WAYYY to cold. Turned it off. Was to hot. Turned my fan on low. Too Cold. took my covers off and turned my fan off. Still to hot. Save me O_O

this is as good as i could think of to start out with >_<

Okay so originally i never really planned on blogging. i mean i didnt want to turn into one of those people who write blogs that people will never read.:D
But I started reading some other peoples and my huge mind defense just came crashing down and i let myself think it'd be cool. I mean really i can finally write about some stuff :O

I guess to start out i should give you guys a brief-ish about me :)

Jared Ridenour im 14
Im talkative and come across as disrespectful when i really dont mean too...
Im very much so an extrovert come up to me in person ill strike up a conversation pretty quickly :D
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I like too.....
Snowboard,ski, write, Swim,Workout,hang out with peoples,go to the movies (occasionally sneak in the ones i cant get my dad to buy me into >_<) and uhh... Eat KFC ;D

But i do tend to like people to know all of me not just illusion that meets your eyes. if you dont want to accept me after knowing everything thats your choice but i do believe its your right to know. but a chance doesnt hurt. So here it goes


Probably the end of october/the beginning of november of 2008 i started letting myself drift away from the church and the "Right Path" as some would like to say. I had a bad experience when i was a child and those memories resurfaced and really started to bother me. So i told myself that if god loved me he wouldnt have let it happen. and then I had some friends who were apparently very much so into drugs, alchohol and the whole shabang. I had no idea when i usually hung out with them because they were never high around me. Well one day i decided to hang out with them at the park they said they were gunna have "Some fun stuff" and i didnt really understand. So when i got there of course hello weed, and all kinds of different pills. Some large amount of vodka too... And i was originally shocked. and they tried and tried to get me to Smoke. And eventually i did because they said that we couldnt hang out if i wasnt man enough to try it. So i did. and over the next month and a half highland park was my high spot. i was very much so into the drugs. I didnt consider myself an addict because i could go for as long as i wanted without them. if my friends couldnt hang out i wouldnt be in dire need of any substance. And thats also right around when i went to lafayette park. I got there and was of course curious to see how much i could get away with. I was high ALOT in class. And was always in all kinds of trouble because of it. eventually one day i guess i took to many pills and was throwing up and passed out in class. After that i dont remember alot. I remember cops. Cuffs. And weird tests. Next morning i wake up in Kinsey youth correction center. I spent around 2 weeks in secure holding. I was terrified. I spent alot of it crying trying to figure out why i had let myself do it. So i went back to the whole, god wouldnt let me do this if he really loved me. So i got out on 24 hour adult supervision for about 2 months (i was always around a parent) But i didnt have a gps on. So i snuck out alot and got high, not because i HAD to but because i wanted to get away from memories, and the whole experience. So for a while i kept doing it. Then i got involved with HPC sonburst summer youth. And i met the most important people in my life. tim, tj... and Nelleigh =). That was a real turning point for me. Anyone reading this probably knows the story. and ask them how much ive changed they will tell you i have changed quite a bit... Now im trying to reconnect with god. Chris Floyd and Nelleigh Burtch both taught me the real importance of it.

Now im definitely not out of the trouble zone. Many of the people at highland park church have this mindset that i am a terrible kid. They dont really care if im changing/ trying to change. and on top of that im still struggling with getting back into the community. Most of the people i used to know cant stand me... So on a day to day basis everything is definitely a challenge, my slowly decaying social life, the fact that every adult at the church i love despises me, and trying to stay away from "trouble" situations are my biggest concerns...

I just realized how boring this must seem >_< so im gunna leave it at the for tonight...
After you've read all that i do hope you'll get to know me, before you get this terrible mindset towards me. Anyway im off to watch a movie.

Night:D