Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Inner demons :\

This is one of those blogs where i just need to vent. For those people who really dont want to know whats going on in my head, just close my blog now k?

So to start out with im randomly mad/sad all the time. I always feel like crying, and i always feel like im alone. My social life is pretty much dead, and i dont have alot of entertainment here at home. This girl i really like is just impossible to stay with because EVERYTHING is against us. And wow. Just wow >_<
truthfully everyone i talk to is mad at me most of the time for no reason now. They all tell me how crappy i am to them and how im a terrible friend. I dont know what it is i do or dont do to make them so mad. When i finally think i have someone who isnt mad at me to hang out with... I ask if they can come over ... And every time my mom says no. her quote from last night

Me: Mom i feel really alone and bored all the time :\...
Mom: I dont really care jared. I dont feel like dealing with your loser friends right now.

So im pretty tired of that.
im always sad because what plans i do have usually end up crashing and burning.

Dude i cant even express how... something i am right now. Its like a mixture of mad/sad/bored/tired...

If you didnt know probably 2 years ago i tried to kill myself. I was loaded up on anti depressants and crap like that for months. And now im starting to feel all those feelings i did back then. I miss having friends, plans... Just entertainment in general.

In all truth i think its because im very very tired. Tired of being alone, being bored, being judged... and somedays even unappreciated. I used to be a very very screwy kid. And ive been trying so hard to change for the people i care about. Nobody gets that im trying. they all think i dont try. or that im not changing. And it annoys the hell out of me...
Im coming back from having no friends, no faith, NOTHING. I was a jerk, I didnt care about much of anything. And everyday i feel like i have to prove myself over and over. Just so that people understand how much im attempting to change for them.But people still tell me they dont see me trying. Im done listening to those people. If you dont think im trying screw off. I dont need to hear your crap on top of the other stuff im trying to do for you. Im obviously wasting my time trying to prove that im different.

So all in all i need an outlet. Somebody that thinks im genuienly trying. I need something. Theres this huge empty feeling i have. And im not sure what it is. Ill probably get multiple messages saying i need to devote everything to god, otherwise im not going to get a full feeling from everything. And i get that. Im trying to get myself back to god. so i dont need those messages.

I probably just confused the crap out of everyone. Sorry, but i just needed somewhere to let stuff out.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jared. I'm probably going to sound like a jerk, but here it goes anyway. (I really don't like text communication...)
    You're right, you don't need those messages. Here's a different one:
    If you come to God to feel better, you're going to walk away feeling worse than you did before. God's not about making life fun or full-feeling. So, I hope the message you're getting from HPC is more than "God will make your life better if you're good enough".
    If you wanna chat, let me know.